emotional support

Three years ago, I marked March 10th, 2019, on my calendar in black marker. I set the adoption date to become a cat mom.

After years of looking for love in all the wrong places, I wanted to pour my heart into a creature that would give some of it back. I had so much to give and nowhere to direct it.

At the time, I had recently upgraded into a new studio apartment that was slightly bigger and full of natural light. It was a new home where we could flourish together.

As I continued my preparations, I picked a name, Espresso Bean, and a nickname, Mr. Bean (or Monsieur Bean, as my friends kidded); a name that would match the future playful spirit of my forever friend.

I avoided looking at the Humane Society’s website until the night before, afraid of falling in love with a kitty that wouldn’t be there; I busied myself instead with building a cat tree and picking out a variety of toys to see which kind he would like the most. Finally, with a list of names clutched in my hand, my friend drove me to the Humane Society.

We met a couple of cats, but none of them seemed right; their personalities weren’t quite a match with mine. I started to feel disappointed, unsure if I would find the cat I wanted. As we readied for the last name on my list, we were led past the meeting spaces and straight to the cages. We went into the back room to find a handsome, white, and brown tabby cat, pacing back and forth. He came up to say hello and then would back away, reminded of some past trauma, only to be curious yet again.

He was perfect for me.

I was handed a packet of paperwork and taken aside for a conversation; they needed to make sure I was ready to adopt this very anxious feline that couldn’t even meet people where he was supposed to. I flipped through pages detailing a need for a safe, small, and quiet space. Espresso could be the only king of his castle, and I would need to be extra patient as he settled in. I signed and thought of my quaint studio; I knew I could support him in all the ways he would need.

As much as I had prepared, and as confident as I was that I could give him everything he wanted, I was terrified of being responsible for a pet.

I took him home in his donated pink carrier (since he was too anxious to go home in the standard box), plopped him down in my bathroom, closed the bathroom door, and opened his kennel. I sat with him like that in the bathroom for hours, always respecting the sanctuary of his cage.

Little by little, over the ensuing week, I encouraged him to explore more and more. I switched my work schedule to work remotely, took some time off, and watched as he became a little bit braver every day.

I gushed about him to everyone who would listen.

Now it’s the last day of March 2022; we have been through a lot in these past three years.

We have both embarked on personal growth journeys, and I am so proud of how courageous Espresso Bean has become. I also have grown immensely in unexpected ways.

Adopting an anxious cat brought awareness to my anxiety; I began to explore and understand how I navigated the world too, our reactions reflections of each other. We have helped each other cope, and together we recognize the moments we do not have to be scared. We have supported each other and grown together. We both have made tremendous strides in letting people in, in building trust.

In all the ways I have and continue to show up for him, Espresso also shows up for me.

Today, Espresso and I live with another human and cat, something that wasn’t possible for him three years ago. Now, not only does Espresso share his home with his new friend, but he also chases him around, and begrudgingly allows his daily afternoon bath where he is thoroughly groomed.

His never-ending curiosity and sweet demeanor fill me with joy, and I will never forget that first apartment together, the afternoons he laid next to me while I worked in bed.

I love how he nose boops me, and how he rolls over for belly rubs, completely unaware that he’s about to roll right off the chair.

Espresso gives me all of his love, and I give it right back.

Three years ago, I circled a date that would change my life, and I am so grateful I did.