memories

I don’t remember being a little girl.

Obviously, I lived an entire childhood, but I can’t remember hardly any of it. The memories I recall aren’t memories at all, but rather the photographs of me I hold in my mind’s eye. In this way, I only remember myself from everyone else’s perspective.

I wonder what I thought about. I wonder what made me happy, sad, or scared. I wonder about the experiences I had and I wonder what I’ve forgotten or maybe even blocked.

I do have this one memory from around the age of four. I remember eating a hotdog in my preschool class and taking the hotdog out of the bun dipping it in ketchup and saving the bun (my favorite part) for last. I would then also dip that in ketchup. It’s the little things in life.

I know not everyone’s memory is like this and I’m not sure why mine is. There’s a link between anxiety and recalling memories; I am curious if my mental health plays a role.

It makes me wonder though; what will I forget about my present, my now, years into the future. What is going to stick with me? What will be forgotten?

Maybe that’s a lot of the reason why I write. The reason I’m always taking pictures. The reason I try to be grateful for something every day.

I know that this time is fleeting and I know that I won’t remember it forever, so I am doing my best to appreciate it while I’m living it. I’m always finding new ways to support my future self; part of that is capturing the now.

My writing and my photos will serve as reminders of the abundance in my life. Reminding me of how lucky I am to have so many people supporting me. A reminder that life can be phenomenal if we allow it.

I don’t want to forget how happy I am. I don’t want to forget this transformative period of my life.

I want to always remember how good it feels to stand up for yourself, especially if it means taking a risk. I never want to forget this love with Max, of how it feels right now. I want to store these memories in any way I can.

I want to remember my life not just from the photos of me, but from my perspective.

When I look back ten years from now I’m still not going to remember my childhood, but I will always have the moments I capture in my present. I will recall the world from my perspective and remember how I lived it.