an anxious existence

The term “existing” can be defined in so many ways as we each understand the world and our place in it differently.

To realize that one’s existence isn’t everyone’s experience sounds pretty rudimentary. We know that we are the only person who is us, even siblings don’t share all of our perspectives, but to think about all the ways in which your body, mind, and soul occupies and interacts with this world as being uniquely yours. That’s mind-blowing.

I remember turning to Max, as we were sitting in silence, and I asked him what he was thinking about. He said, “the mountains” and I took a second to let that sink in. While he was thinking about the mountains, I was recognizing and digging into interactions from my past; I was thinking about how those interactions have exemplified the existence of my anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’m having a revelation that I’ve been struggling with my anxiety since childhood and he is just blissfully thinking about the natural world around him. I felt so envious of his inner peace.

My mind is constantly on overdrive. It’s a lot and it doesn’t stop.

It’s emotionally exhausting.

My brain is intent on continually analyzing my past and present. It’s thinking about all the ways to increase my awareness to mitigate risks. The risks of appearing like a fool or not being prepared, for well, anything (that’s my perfectionism coming out, but that’s for another time).

And I am telling you all this because I am cataloging my experiences with anxiety to communicate how I exist in my mind. Those of us who do have anxiety experience it all sorts of ways, and it manifests in each of us differently. Validating any part of that shared experience for someone else can free them. Once we have awareness of what is happening, we can do something about it.

Self-growth towards a healthier life starts with that awareness.

I came up with this metaphor and want to share it with you:

Awareness is a hard path to trudge down and there are constantly surprises, but every rock in the way that you can point to, is a rock that won’t knock you on the ground. A rock that you can see for all that it is, is an obstacle that you can now nimbly navigate to avoid tripping over and halting your progress.

When the path gets rocky don’t try to climb over it blindly. Take a second, recognize your feelings, reach out to a friend or do some research. Figure out what those rocks look and feel like and how they are blocking you. Once you can see them, name them, and own them as part of your path. Then you can navigate them.

I hope my writing about my experience with anxiety can help give someone the awareness to see how their own brain functions. We are all existing in this world in the only ways we know how and maybe if we knew something else was possible, or maybe if we could finally understand our own demons, then maybe we could work to navigate them a little better.

A peaceful, blissful mind is possible.

I hope my writing helps you understand your own or someone else’s anxiety a little better. I hope it makes you feel a little more human knowing my struggles. I hope it cultivates a little more love and a little more gentleness with your own existence.

Your existence is your own, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t people who understand.